Today I turn 31. I think numbers don't matter to me anymore, I already
whined enough about getting old when I was 27. I remember, it was the most difficult birthday of my life, I wished how I would remain 26 forever and that my life is doomed from there on. So now when I turned 31, it didn't matter anymore. I always look at accomplishments when I turn a year old and this year my accomplishment will be my son. I will very soon have 2 kids who I can count as accomplishments in life :)
I feel guilty for both my kids ! I feel guilty for the unborn one because I feel, no one pays too much attention to him, I've never ever bought anything new - toys or clothes or other kind of equipment in preparation of the new born. I know I have time but same
time frame with my first born was very different ! I don't even have a name picked out, haven't even bothered to search one, I keep referring to it as baby #2 in front of others :)
On the other hand, when I went to see my friends new born, I held her in my arms, my first born was right next to me saying "baby, baby" in excitement but I kept a close watch on her as she might get excited and poke the baby ! I had to keep pushing her away, I felt so bad doing that. I felt as if I abandoned by baby girl just because there was another new born in sight. I know when our own son is born, we'll have to keep restraining her and maybe even get angry at her if she doesn't listen. I've never treated my dear daughter this way, so I don't know how I'll be able to do all this without feeling guilty all over again ! Everyone assures me that another kid doesn't mean you don't love him or her, your love doubles for both of them, I guess time will tell how things go, but I'm just a bit nervous sometimes !
GCT stands for glucose challenge test, it's the first test you take when you're pregnant between 24 to 28 weeks for detecting if you developed gestation diabetes. Last time I failed the 1 hour test and was then called to take the 3 hour glucose tolerance test (GTT) - in which 1 out of 4 of my readings was slightly higher. One needs 2/4 readings to be high to be classified as gestational diabetic. In my case, the doctor said that I should watch what I eat which didn't make enough sense to me as I had no idea what to watch ? I took an unofficial diabetes counselling class where they told me how to measure my carb intake and also set me up with a glucose meter where I had to poke my self several times a day. My night readings were always high, the rest of the day was just fine.
Anyways, after last time, I have been very skeptical about this time as they say that you have a 30-85% chance of developing it with the second baby if you've already had it before. And being myself, I always prepare myself for worse and worry weeks before the actual even so that I'm not so disappointed in the end. This is exactly what I'm doing now as I have my test on Friday. I have studied all the lunch places I normally eat at and have figured out what I can or can't eat. But with these preparations, I'm secretly hoping that I pass the test this time cause it's really frustrating not being able to eat what you want. Also what's frustrating is that I know a lot of people who just keep eating like crazy when they were pregnant but never had a sugar problem but me on the other hand who's had a very controlled diet will get into all sorts of sugar problems !! Why me ???
I'm tired of all the sickness in my house ! One of us is always sick ! My daughter is the culprit, bringing all the germs from day care and then we take turns passing these around. But what can the poor child do, it's not her fault that she goes to day care at such a young age and the fact that we live in a place that has 7 months of cold and flu season. I wish I could move to a much warmer place where we wouldn't be falling sick so much. I occassionally get a cold but it's over in a day or two but this time is different.. it's lasted for 3 days accompanied by fever, weakness and now some sort of an eye infection and being pregnant just makes the experience even worse as you not only fear for people around you but also the unborn life you're carrying. Hopefully all of this is not affecting the baby !
I've always heard people talking about pregnancy glow and I'm like, "what glow ?, when is it supposed to happen?" infact if I remember correctly, with my last pregnancy, my hair quality was awesome thanks to the prenatal vitamins but no skin glow in sight :( Even with this one, skin is alright not thanks to the pregnancy but the super expensive skin cream I have been using for months now.
Although I'm not complaining about this pregnancy, but I can never manage to look cool and hip during this time. Clothes makes a difference on how people look and if I'm ready to spend $70 bucks on a top from Nordstrom :) then it might make a difference, but I chose to dress up normally considering this is a short event of my life and is 99.99% not going to repeat in the near future :)
But while I look huge and waddle, here's what I wish I could have:
- High heel boots
- High heel sandals
- Skin tight jeans
- A flat ab :)
- A swim suit
- A dressy dress !
- A short denim skirt
and the list goes on. You know on how one yearns for stuff that they cannot have :) but maybe someday after I have shed all my pregnancy weight and more to fit into those skinny jeans and short denim skirt !
When I first came to the US, I could never understand the insurance structure in this country. Coming from India, where there is no concept of insurance - you go to any doctor you want when you're sick and pay the amount in full after the office visit, the whole concept would irk me the most. My last employer provided a HMO insurance where I had to choose a primary care physician and only when she refers me to a specialist, I could go see one. I found this very annoying as it would take me a couple of days to get an appointment with my PCP and then another couple of days to go to a specialist - plus I pay 2 co-pays. So what happens when you're dying (a.k.a emergency) - well there are always emergency rooms for that which obviously charge you higher !
Anyways, my dislike for insurance subsided over the years as I switched companies and found a very good insurance plan. My employer provides me with Aetna Choice which means I can go see any doctor I want, usually for a co-pay of $15 provided he/she is in-network. This sounds like a dream until just yesterday when I got a letter from them saying that they will no longer allow me to visit Longmont United Hospital (luh) - the biggest hospital that is nearby to my residence. So one would think, so what, who goes to a hospital anyways ? as long as the doctors accept insurance, I should be fine, right ?? But here's the complication in my case: I was supposed to deliver in luh this summer for my 2nd baby but with this new rule, I don't think I can. My Ob-gyn, who I like, is affiliated with luh so it means that if I wanted her to deliver my baby, I would have to go there or atleast that's how I understand. So now I have a 3 problems:
1. Find another Ob-gyn that's affiliated with hospital that accepts Aetna
2. All other hospitals are at least 30 mins away from where I live which depending on type of delivery will or will not matter - example scheduled delivery or if my water breaks, I know it'll be a while until I go into labour !
3. Even if I deliver in this hospital that's farther away, the 3 days that I'm in the hospital would be a nightmare for my family - driving up and down..
I've been upset with the news since yesterday because I was so used to the convenience of a hospital that is 10 mins away from home. I'm hoping that Aetna can re-negotiate with luh and provide the same level of service that they did before, this way I don't have to change anything but we all know how the corporate world works and that might never happen. As long as I can deliver my baby safely in good hands, I won't care about it anymore after my delivery !
I was a writer.. so that I could stay in-doors, drink a hot cup of chocolate, stay up in bed and pretend to have a writers block and watch TV instead :)
It's snowing heavily outside, I see about 3-4 inches of snow already piled up and I'm at work, trying to work but always wandering after a couple of minutes !
Off late, I've been very unmotivated at work. I'm on a project that a lot of people think is exciting but I think it's boring ! I haven't been able to find something that challenges me in a while now. I've repeatedly asked my manager to do something "different" but there is nothing special to do anymore it seems and it's all about placements from a management perspective. If I'm engaged in a project, I'm taken and no one thinks about me anymore, they worry about the next person who isn't on a project ! But what about me who doesn't want to do the same things anymore ?
I've been with my company for the last 5 years working in the system integration department - well it's a fancy word for node/system test and integration. When I first joined, it was exciting as I had never ventured into the
telecom world and I was getting to learn new things ! Then after a couple of years, work was still exciting as I was not only an individual tester but team lead, responsible for my team's work. Then from a small team lead, I graduated to an overall team lead, which was still better but now I'm back to being an individual tester on my current project - I am told that I should be flexible to fit in any role that's available ! It's like going backwards and with me being pregnant this year, I know it's going to be a wasted year for me as I'll be out for 12 weeks which is pretty much the entire Q3. So then I think to myself, what's the point of changing jobs right now or demand to be put in a demanding project when I know I'll not be able to meet the demands ?? Similarly, I'll be too busy next year with a toddler and an infant to try something different.
Sometimes I wonder if I should just quit my job and stay at home ? but quitting means, one less income which means taking care of kids full time without any help (like maid or cook services) and frankly I don't think I'm ready for it right now ! Sure I love my kid to death and miss her everyday at work but am I ready to let go of whatever self reliance that I have today, the luxury of earning as much as my spouse and that self respect that I too get money on the table and the fact that I can have an intelligent conversation with someone !
Someone once told me that not everyone finds a job that gives them 100% satisfaction, these days you should be thankful to find something that gives you 10% satisfaction and motivation ! For now I still haven't found that 10%, maybe it's my pregnancy hormones that won't let me find that happiness :) but until I do, I continue to wander aimlessly in this corporate world !
I started blogging last year after my daughter was born. I wanted to capture all the little details which I would forget as times goes on.. After a couple of months, I wondered if I needed to start a blog on just my feelings and decided against it. I thought, with my little daughter around, I don't have time to express my thoughts and feelings, it was all about her, all the time !! But now I think, maybe it's not a bad idea to just look at life from a different aspect - there are lots of things I think about and feel about other than being a mother and for once I should start expressing them. Also another reason was to reserve the name on blogspot ;)